I Think Im Depressed. Long But Please Read! :'(?

Okay. Lets start with that when i was 4 my mom died (I am now 13). I can remember waking up in the morning and my dad coming in to tell my sister (She was 21 at the time) to come outside and he looked like he was going to burst into tears. I asked if i could come (Mind me i was 4) too. He said "No! Stay There" Well when they waled outside i got up and looked out the windows in my sun room. I don't remember anything about that day after i saw her laying there dead besides the look on her face. I now know that she fell off of the upstairs porch and hit her head on a rock laying on the ground. I still don't even know how i know that but i do. Someone must have told me when i was younger. Well now me and my dad live in a crappy house and my old house (which we moved out of before i was 5) was a lot nicer because i can remember it. But anyways my friends are always talking about boys and how depressed they are over boys and how in love they are with them. But all i think is that thats bull crap because they just turned 13 and i don't believe in true love at that young of an age. But anyways my friend recently told me to get over her dying because she would want me to be happy and that my life is so easy but she does not understand that when someone dies thats so important in your life you are different emotinally and everything. But she is always saying how much worse i make her problems with her "love" that she has because according to her i always say the wrong thing. But anyways it crushes me that all my friends have moms that they can bond with and have girls night out with and all this mom and daughter stuff that i havent ever had and never will (My dad hasnt been in any serious relationships in the last 8 years sence she died) also My dad is always yelling at me for the smallest things. And i am NOT very patient and i do admit i do yell back sometimes. Because maybe his life is hard but so is mine. I dont know what to do anymore. I just wanna cry all the time and i feel like know one cares. Ugh. Life Suckss.. Sometimes. I Gett good grades (A's) and i play sports. But im super ugly and all of my friends are absolutley B E A U T I F U L! N im like the ugly duckling of the group. Well i dont know what to do. N dont say get a therapist because i cant afford it nor am i going to talk to my dad about it. He would probaly throw somthing at me and call me a ***** (Sorry bout the language but thats what he likes to do and say all the time) anyways i also am not going to the guidence counceler because.. Just Noo. So if you read this THANK YOU. Please only nice answeres.? Why did my mom have to die.? :( I wonder what i did to have god do this too me.??! HELP PLEASE!